Start: The following is a composite story of various conversations held with documentary makers. All the scenarios and points are true and have been expressed by various well-known companies.

The scene is an office where the team are discussing ideas for a TV documentary. They are disturbed half-way through by Joshua, the tea-boy, who dreams of making films.

"…………..…….there’s undoubtedly a great story here."

But...........

Yes …….. go on

The story is about a blind person

Mmmmm…a blind person isn’t very TV friendly are they……

You mean she doesn’t like her TV

What’s it done to her?

Well…..you know……

Yes……yes…….spit it out …….go on

Well she can’t ………like…….see it.

But we can see her you numble!

I always thought the purpose of TV was for others to see you…….well………I never realised.

You mean…..because she cannot see the film crew?

Precisely

What?

She might……..

What?

You know………

What!

…….hurt herself.

You mean trip over them?

Well……yes, think about the Health and Safety issues, the insurance……..

But Damian……….

Yes

She’s done – or will do – 25,000 miles on a bike……….it’s not really a problem is it!

Idea people ……..do you think she could pretend to see?

What? So that the programme is about a blind person who thinks she can see…..going around the world on a bike?

Great idea Jeremiah!

That would so solve so many of our problems

Yep, the Guild of eye-make-up people would be happy as well as they could swish their brushes merrily.

True…….but……..there’s a problem.

"What’s that Josh?"

Tad of a problem that I foresee.

Out with it boy…… and one sugar in mine

Errrrr….isn’t the programme about being blind………and challenging stereotypes? Isn’t it about cultural impacts and socio-political strategies to deal with 161 million people. It’s about post-modernist explanations which have moved beyond the Medical model to the Social. It’s about deconstructing a perception, or a thought process steeped in inaccuracies and misjudgements. It’s about travel and women and disability in the 21^st Century. Sounds pretty cool to me.

Be quiet Josh, pour the tea.

Mmmmmmmm (much head-scratching in team)

See what you mean……….I think.

By the way, do blind people watch TV?

Dunno…….what’s the point?

Seems like a waste of time really.

What the people?

Good God, my Lord …….no……..nasty things those eugenicists.

Ah, you mean blind people watching TV?

Well….yes……sort of.

Good point Sean, damn good point.

Now….could we spin it in another direction?

Well there will be two of them we assume?

Obviously, he must be riding the bike?

No, perhaps he’s on the back?

What, you mean, telling her which way to go?

You never know.

Hey people, I’ve just had a thought.

What?

The Guide Dog!

What…..you mean……..?

Yes!

NO……..never

The Dog!

Bloody marvellous things you know.

Not that good surely?

But…..how would it stay on the bike?

Sidecar?

Rubbish TV………rubbish……unless they were both fat and could cook. Can either of them cook?

Mmmmmmm, the dog?

Some sort of harness perhaps?

We could have the dog wearing branded gear!

Ideas people, ideas………

Anne Summers perhaps!

Sometimes I worry about you Paullina.

Do Guide Dogs need to wear a helmet?

Don’t be so bloody stupid

BTW – did we employ or inherit you?

Ok – we agree then. A great story but no TV potential a blind woman going round the world on a bike. Now if she was riding it, it would be sensational – dangerous but brilliant TV.

All those lovely crashes……..ah well time to move on.

Next idea

Change of direction perhaps?

Different focus?

Different topic?

OK people…….out the box thinking……….on the rim thoughts……no comfort zone……..nothing is to be ruled out……..thought showers please.

You mean brain storming?

Be quiet Amanda….you can’t say that anymore

Why? (Sulks)

Because it’s offensive to Epileptics.

Do you mean people who have epilepsy?

Shut up Josh

I’ve got one!

Go on.

A programme about two blind people with loadsa kids who live in a council house.

Pardon?

It’ll be great TV if we find the worst examples! You know, the sort who blame their blindness for everything.

There’d be snores all over the country!

You trying to kill the company you little *hit. Just because I turned down your pay rise……..

Disaster waiting to happen!

Oh……..ok

What about a programme about Macula Degeneration?

We don’t do sex programmes!

No, no, the eye thing.

What is it with you and blind things?

Sorry

It’s just that the Guardian said you’d have to be blind to watch one of our programmes.

And since WHEN do we pander to opinion? We do the unexpected. We take chances and create great TV.

Ok, sorry.

Ok people, here’s what we do.

We do the same as everyone else.

Oh God, not another reality thing?

What, you mean…….take a bunch of nobodies and make them………..?

Precisely

Wouldn’t it be better if they were famous?

Costs too much!

But famous people are much prettier to look at.

Mmmmmmmmm

……..cheaper though if we make them famous……….perhaps?

Ok people, here’s the plan. We find nobodies who have never done anything and we make them famous.

Oh God, back to reality TV.

Pass me another cuppa Josh, there’s a good boy.

Written by Bernard Smith

7-02-07

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